


Forgive me, I beg you

by Gryff



Category: Dracula & Related Fandoms, Dracula - Bram Stoker
Genre: Attempted Seduction, Gay, Guilt, Homophobic Language, Implied Relationships, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, apology, apology letter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-29
Updated: 2017-12-29
Packaged: 2019-02-23 11:23:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13189044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gryff/pseuds/Gryff
Summary: An unused document in Bram Stoker's Dracula reveals something heavily implied about the first narrator Jonathan Harker.





	Forgive me, I beg you

**Author's Note:**

> The following documents were found among Bram Stoker's original research notes, which are currently being held in the Rosenbach Museum and Library in Philadelphia. There is no mention of this document in the original or subsequent editions of Dracula.

[A handwritten note attached to the main document, sent to the Harkers:]

_I found this with what you sent to me. It was folded up in one of your journals and fell out when I moved the book. It doesn't add up with any of what Harker has said about his time with the Count but it matches his penmanship. I took the liberty of translating it from shorthand for you. Shall I add it in?_

_\- Stoker_

* * *

 

[The main document is one page, typewritten. The original document in shorthand has been lost:]

_Mina._

_I don't know how you would react to this. I want you to know that my heart has always, is always reserved for you and you alone. But I will admit when I have wronged you, just as you have to me. I know that we are both honest enough to each other that we can do this and feel safe in knowing that we will not despise or hate the other, that we can understand each other. But I cannot continue to keep this inside of me while we continue to chase the Count._

_I do not know how long this has been a part of me. I have never felt it arise until I arrived at that castle. Perhaps it was some wicked spell cast upon me by the Count. Or perhaps this was something I kept inside of me and never acknowledged. But I do know that it is there, and it is strong, and it has tempted me from you. I have never acted upon it, though, forgive me, I have tried to. It was my attempts that shame me, that I would even consider breaking your trust just as I leave your sight and presence._

_Forgive me. I am rambling without clarity. I have assumed that you - that the others have suspected it. They have said nothing to me about it, but I know they know. I do not know why they have not confronted me. It is the same dangerous sin that has led to Lucy's death, to you being assaulted by him, except my sin is layered with another, darker one beyond what either you or Lucy could have ever done._

_I am attracted to Count Dracula._

_It caught me by surprise that I had any kind of feeling towards the Count beyond amiability. I can say again with certainty that this has been the first and only time I have ever thought of another man in lustful manner, and I curse myself time and again that this man would have had any affection from me._

_I first felt it with absolute clarity when the Count went over deeds with me. I remember him leaning over me and I savored the proximity to him. Just like I do when you hold my hand or rest besides me or embrace me. And I felt myself longing to kiss him like I do you, with a firey passion that guilts me to this day. It welled inside of me, growing like a cancer in my heart and, I hate that it happened, it overshadowed my love for you. I thought that your absence in my life would only make me long for you more, and it did as I travelled alone to the Carpathians but the moment I set foot in that damned castle you were gone from my mind. I remember how absently I regarded your picture as he studied it, and I hate myself for only appreciating the way he looked - his hands, his expression - rather than that one treasured picture of you._

_He noticed it as well; I am not a very subtle man, Mina. And he only encouraged it. I tremble to think what might have happened if I had given in, if I followed his bait and remained in that castle. In a way I am glad for the attack. It was jealousy. They were jealous that I, a man, was given more attention from their husband than they, and they nearly killed me for it. It woke me up, broke the spell, and made me realize how truly monstrous the Count was. But even with that revelation I still felt longing._

_I contemplating dying at the foot of the castle, Mina. I thought about flinging myself from the window and plummeting to the ground below - I wanted to die because I could not face you after revealing such a thing to myself. I knew that I could not keep it from you forever, that I would eventually reveal my sins and you would hate me and that to me is a fate worst than death, worst than whatever hell the Count would bring me to._

_Mina, I love you, and no man or beast could take that away from me no matter how I feel about him. I hope that you can forgive me, but I understand if you cannot._

_I love you,_

_Jonathan_

* * *

 

[A short scrap of paper sent back to Mr. Stoker:]

_No, no, a thousand times no. Not only does it break from the narrative, imagine the scandal. I don't care what you do with the original text, but do not put this in the book. Do not even mention it. We're giving you enough personal material as it is._ _\- Wilhelmina_

[In a different hand, scrawled at the bottom of the page:]

_Please don't add this to the book._

**Author's Note:**

> I fucking love epistolary narratives. The amount of layering you can do with it it is amazing to read and dissect. This was a pretty basic version of that, but it's still one of my favorite narrative types. 
> 
> Any suggestions? Critiques? I'd love to heard what you thought!


End file.
